Disarming the Narcissist by Wendy T. Behary
This book is not for me. Let me explain why before you think this is just some negative review. I say this because I am a narcissist. Albeit a mild, mostly conversational narcissist, but still I am one. I picked up this book at Book Expo in 2010 knowing it was not really for me, but hoping for some self-help style insight into narcissism and how I can make things better for the people who deal with me. I really like to talk about myself, but I would rather be engaged and interested in hearing about other people. Also, I wanted to understand more about how people may already be dealing with me.
Behary has combined the self-help genre with a bit more real psychology to help people disarm their favorite narcissists. I enjoyed reading the first third of the book where Behary explains why people typically develop narcissism. To read about the different types of narcissists was very helpful at calming my own sense of panic. Behary does a great job giving example of specific narcissist and how people in their lives have turned to therapy (and thus her) to help improve situations. She does indicate that each sex (and she discusses it in relationships between people of opposite sex) has a tendency to focus on specific types of narcissism. I thought she did a great job making a very complex idea into something that the lay person can easily understand and identify.
As a self-help book I struggled. She frequently uses her patients as an example and herself, as the therapist, as someone interacting with the narcissist. While this POV was great in the psych section, self-help (from my own reading) tends to focus on a much more personal level of example. I always felt people want to identify with a self-help author and its difficult to do that when your author maintains her authority as a therapist. While I, personally, appreciate the authority on this topic, I don’t think it works well in self-help.
I also struggled with the distinction in the objective of this book. This book isn’t about changing the narcissist, but about changing how you interact with a narcissist. This is why I originally picked it up. I wanted to learn how I could change. I wanted to see what a therapist was telling other people to do to disarm a narcissist. My hope was to do it myself. This is not Behary fault, but the way the book is publicized, described and even titled.
I am going to pass this one on to Amanda. I am glad I read the first half of this book. I have a much better understanding of why I am the way I am and even what triggers my reactions to others. If you want to understand more about narcissism I do suggest the first half of this book.
